I know anyone in the Midwest is wondering if we are ever going to get spring but I think it was here at one time because I caught these walking into my house a few weeks back. They had pants to match too but I made all the kids take everything off before they were allowed into the house.
But as most people know we are back into winter with snow. If you need someone to blame you can blame me because I kept on praying for a snowy winter. I felt like last year when we didn’t get any snow, my kids got cheated. They are only going to enjoy playing in the snow in the backyard for a few more years and right now is prime enjoyment years so I wanted some. Anyways, all December I was adding to my prayers, “please give us a lot of snow so that my kids could play in it.” I think I forgot to specify when I wanted the snow. I’ll work on that for next year.
As a follow-up to some comments a few weeks ago, I had gotten to the point where I felt hopeless. I felt like the girls were never going to end their 2-3 hour scream-fests that they had just about every night. And it was destroying me. In a way where I could no longer empathize with them. I no longer cared that they were in pain, probably emotionally from being ripped away from everything they used to know. I could not understand why they were still mourning. I mean, they were happy here, giggling all the time, giving us hugs, called us mommy and daddy. They loved to play with Luke and Ryan. Their daytime temper tantrums were getting to a place where I felt we could manage them. Everyone was telling me I was doing a great job with them, that they seemed so well adjusted. But those people did not hear the wailing that happened in the middle of the night. The hopelessness that Ted and I felt, well maybe just me. The girls have been sleeping downstairs screaming in the basement while I was upstairs, doors shut and a pillow over my head trying to sleep so that I would have the patience to make it through their daytime temper tantrums.
I was asking everyone I know what to do. My early childhood class advice was to just accept it, there is nothing you can do. I am sorry, that does not work for me. I fix problems, I try new things so that we can fix problems. I am not a person who likes to complain about things just to complain. If I am complaining about something that means I want ideas to fix things so it is no longer a problem. I will try anything.
That evening as I was dreading going to bed because I knew someone would be up shortly screaming with no end in sight, I realized that I forgot one thing. I forgot maybe the most important tool that I have. A tool that sadly to say I don’t use to the level that I should. I walked into their bedroom as I have done since each one of my kids have come home and instead of just looking at them, re-tucking them in for the night, I decided to say a prayer. A prayer to God to help us through this night. A prayer that if my girls wake up, to give Ted and I the words that they need to be comforted, to be at peace so that they could go back to sleep (and so we could go back to sleep too).
I have said that prayer over them every night for the last 2 weeks and we have had 2 weeks of pretty good sleep around here. Minus the one night where Luke and Ryan threw-up every 30 mins to 1 hour from 9:30 pm-6:40 am. We started out our adoption with lots of prayer but it was hard to do anything those first few nights with two newly adopted children who were in mourning. I know a few times in the last 9 months I remembered to ask God for help but it was only a night here or there. When our family needed prayer the most from me is when I fell apart. But I have a plan again. Why my plan did not include praying over my children the whole time in the first place, I don’t know. Maybe because I was too distracted with running a family of 6, trying to figure out how to get my girls adjusted into a whole new live, how to parent Ryan who is still struggling so badly, I was worn out, I could come up with 10,000 reasons why. I know we will still have some rocky nights ahead of us but I have hope again. And with hope and faith in God anything can be accomplished.